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Pages: I'm not sure how to help . . . . [1]
Author Topic: I'm not sure how to help . . . .
lars

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2011-02-08 19-50-47

I'm not sure how to help . . . . I have a dear friend who is a lesbian. The environment in which we work (together) is a very conservative, political, legal community - small. So, she has not divulged her lifestyle to 90% of the people she knows, thinking its in her best interest (careerwise). Basiy, only a couple of her close friends and her immediate family are aware of her lifestyle - - and the fact that she lives with her partner of 25 years. Over the years, various situations have occurred - people we both work with would ask about her family, her vacations, her home life, her social life . . . and my friend has developed this very intricate web of lies. Its hard for me - it must be hell for her. Anyway, she and her partner are now splitting up after 25 years. I feel terribly about it. But now the questions are coming. For instance, her partner has 2 beautiful grand ren whom my friend ADORES -- and she has told everyone they are her niece and nephew. Well, people are now wondering why isn't she seeing her niece and nephew any longer. She referred to her partner as her sister. Well, people are now inquiring about her sister - why isn't she around any longer? They are selling their condo - - and people are asking why my friend would sell it in this market . . . not realizing she shares it with her partner. How do I support my friend? How do I answer innocent questions from well meaning co-workers?
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cookingham

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2011-02-10 10-07-54

ask YOUR FRIEND how you can best support her & how she wants you to answer those questions
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  • Ynez

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    2011-02-12 2-44-28-

    Thanks - that would seem pretty obvious and it really should have been my first response - for any friend. Its just that I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around all this deception. I could never live that way. To me, honesty is crucial. I don't know how she has lived this way for so long . . . and now that she is hurting, and her life has turned upside down, and most of the people who were her daily support are "moving out" - - she has very limited support. She's never let anyone else in. Does this make sense?
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    gruber

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    2011-02-13 3-56-59-

    lies beget lies. She started down a slippery slope
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  • Adrienne

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    2011-02-15 0-42-02-

    living a lie it make sense to me why she told all the lies. the fact they been together for 25 years. I am going to assume she is an older women. As she was growing up her lifestyle was frowned on. Some people still frown on it but I believe its easier for people to be open about their lifestyle now than ever. On another note I dont think you should discuss your personal life so much at work anyway. no matter if she was straight
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  • minkoff

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    2011-03-01 16-03-12

    such camou25504e was likely necessary back when she and her former partner started out. It would be hard to stop 25 years of lies just building on top of each other. In a way, the breakup will allow her a fresh start when she's ready.
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    Charene

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    2011-03-07 1-27-09-

    it's an excellent opportunity to use of my favorite lines: "We're not really sisters" complete with making the quotation marks with your fingers as you talk.
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    looper

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    2011-04-19 0-27-04-

    exactly
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  • thurn

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    2011-05-23 1-13-44-

    helping by being there I feel you should let your friend know you are here if she needs you and step back. Sometimes just knowing you can talk to someone is helpful. I dont understand why people at work is asking so many questions. Why should any co workers care why she is selling her condo now.
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  • fegley

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    2011-06-28 16-03-51

    its a very small community - and she has an outgoing, friendly personality . . . so most people think of her as their "friend" - - they are asking about her life outside of work - - and its a pretty normal occurence here.
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  • fuller

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    2011-08-07 1-48-38-

    Questions about her are for her to answer, not for you, and if people ask you, you can tell 'em that.
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  • ober

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    2011-09-16 12-47-13

    She's going through a tough time. All you can really do is be there for her as a friend, and offer to help when you can. You can always get her some flowers to cheer her up, if you have that kind of friendship. When I went through my last breakup, it was the small things like that which my friends did for me that made the biggest difference.
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    mulcahy

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    2011-11-02 14-25-35

    we do have that kind of friendship and I'm treating her breakup no differently than if of my straight friends was ending a x year relationship. I guess I just feel so badly that she cannot receive MORE support from more people . . . because she's really isolated or limited herself with her "lies." Its turned into a pattern for her. She doesn't discuss her relationship or her feelings about her relationship - - its like pulling teeth. And I think its simply because she is so used to hiding the relationship. How do some lesbians or gays spend a whole lifetime "hiding" their true selves? I just couldn't do it - - I have a hard time keeping her secret. I could never live it.
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  • warshawsky

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    2011-11-12 9-13-13-

    dont say what you wouldnt do if people judged you or denied you opportunities based on who you loved you may lie. You have to live it first to say what you would not do
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    meyerhoff

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    2012-01-03 7-43-43-

    jesus christ. how inane.
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    Narrima

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    2012-02-18 2-24-03-

    honestly, it's really not our place to judge. Maybe you can get in touch with your local PFLAG chapter and ask how you might be able to further support her? Perhaps go with her to counselling / coming out group sessions if she's open to it? There is a very rich, supportive community out there, maybe she has isolated herself so much she just isn't aware of it. And on the other hand, you can never convince someone to do something before they are ready. That's especially true of job searching, breaking up and coming out.
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    2012-05-04 23-36-20

    Here you go:
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    2012-06-05 18-48-11

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    2012-09-07 11-05-02

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    2012-10-02 0-11-05-

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